I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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