If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think your dad took our porno
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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