4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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