I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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