so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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