Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
