So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
