I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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