i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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