Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
