So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
