Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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