I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Randomize
