its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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