I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
