I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
