Swine flu. Run for my life!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
