Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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