In the future we'll all be gay
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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