How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
