i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
