I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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