Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
