i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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