I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
