I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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