I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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