Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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