It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
