Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
