From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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