tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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