Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
