I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
