Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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