you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
