You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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