Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
