im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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