I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
