Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
