i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
