my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
