i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
