Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
