I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
