Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
