i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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