I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
