can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
