The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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