If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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