I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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